Thursday, October 18, 2007

A Guide For Short People (Part One)

Written by Bob Blanshan, the younger (my 6-foot, 7-inch brother)

This is for Short people. This is an attempt to end the monotony that tall people face in conversation and to help short people with their obvious struggles in communication. If you are reading this and you are tall, I advise you to treat the Shorts with the utmost patience (and give them a copy).


1 -"You’re tall." While information is always appreciated most tall people already know that they are tall. They’ve noticed. Maybe you should try telling them something they don’t know, like what it’s like to have clothes that fit (although I warn this will get you an equally negative response).

2 -"Do you play basketball?" Before you utter these words to another tall person, consider: only so many tall people can be in the NBA, and (in case you didn’t know) there are many other careers for tall people. It could be that by constantly asking this question you are reminding this particular tall person of his athletic failures. You should also realize that it is stereotyping. How would you respond if a tall person asked you if you polish shoes?

3 -"How tall are you?" Why is the height of a tall person the only physical attribute you are allowed to question? Maybe this particular tall person is sensitive about his height. In any event, most tall people don't go around asking questions like: "How much do you weigh?" or "How old are you?"

4 -"How is the weather up there?" Apparently most short people believe that the difference of a few feet could accompany a change in the weather. For those of you reading this, it does not.

5 -"Could you reach this for me?" Short people must believe that all tall people are endowed with the spiritual gift of light bulb changing. Most tall people are helpful and longsuffering. However, it would I think surprise many if tall people started asking short people to do chores that were inconvenient. "Would you clean under my sink?" or "Could you tie my shoes?"

6 -"I can't see." You usually hear this from short people sitting behind you, and evidently most short people can’t figure out a solution. Here’s a tip: move.

7 -"I wish I was tall." This is a prime case of the grass not being greener on the other side of the fence. There are many disadvantages to being tall including: finding clothes, sticking out in social situations, and listening to short people say the same things over and over.

8 -“I feel short.” I of course want to encourage all people to be brave in expressing their feelings, but sometimes wait till you’re asked. Of course maybe you should consider this: you might feel short because you are short? In any case, we already know.

In order to improve your ability to converse I recommend that short people, when confronted with a conversation with a tall person, choose one of the following options: (a) Think up with some new and creative remark, (b) discuss something less offensive like politics, or (c) don’t talk.


Bob said...

Wow! You have a very creative brother!

Oops...this gives my identity doesn't it?

Dad and Con said...

Who's Bob? It couldn't be my grandson who told me he had an "accident?" when he was about 2yrs. old, could it? By the way, how IS the weather up there, Bob?